Did you ever feel so depressed and alone with nowhere to turn? That's exactly how I felt today! With no energy, tiredness and two screaming toddlers! It was just a horrible day. I spent most of the day crying, feeling like no one could understand just what I'm going through!
One reason that I started this blog was to share some of my artistic hobbies with others but more importantly to make friends through blogging so I can share my experiences with others.
About six months ago I developed severe pain in my knee. I went to the doctor and the chiropractor, but no one seemed to know what was wrong with me. This pain spread to my shoulders, my toes, and now to my fingers and hips. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the pain lasts most of the day and sometimes it goes away in the morning. But the pain is primarily when I'm not moving- especially in the middle of the night. I'm lucky if I get even a good four hours of sleep a night. The lack of sleep makes me feel exhausted all day long and achy- like I have the flu...constantly!
I finally went to a specialist in Pittsburgh. They tested me for everything. He thinks it's Osteoarthritis. I had my first appointment a few weeks ago, and my next appointment in a couple of weeks. I'll know more about things when I go to my next appointment.
I know that I'm lucky because it could be a lot worse, but I can't help but to feel alone and depressed. I just turned thirty this year. When I've thought of arthritis in the past, I thought of elderly people- not someone young like me. And today, I made my first purchase of "Bengay!" Not something that I ever imagined buying or using at this age.
This chronic pain is a struggle for me. And to make matters worse it's hard to find someone who understands exactly how I feel. Arthritis doesn't run in my family, so they feel that I basically need to just deal with it. My family is not supportive at all! There are days when the pain is so bad that it's a struggle just to take care of myself, let alone a three year old and a 1 1/2 year old. There are days that I spend most of the day on the couch, and that is not the memory that I want my boys to have of their mom....someone who is cranky and lays around all day. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother, let alone the failure I feel as a wife! My household duties have been slacking, but sometimes the depression and pain is so bad that I don't accomplish anything!
I feel badly for my husband, who works 12 hours a day, because he comes home after working all day and has to do the dishes, laundry, and clean up the kid's mess. He's very supportive, but I know that it's stressful for him- especially since he's remodeling the house.
This whole ordeal even has me questioning my faith. I mean I have always had sympathy for others, sometimes even going out of my way to help those in need. And it's like why is this happening to me? I'm a good person...why am I being put through this?
I cry constantly. Even as I write this I'm crying. I'm extremely depressed. And what's even more depressing is that it's affecting my ability to create! I always enjoy painting, crocheting, quilting...just a ton of things. And now it's causing me pain to do the things that give me such joy! On Wednesdays I take a painting class, and a couple weeks ago I started getting pain in the joints of my fingers. It's just so depressing to me! I couldn't imagine living a life where I couldn't create some type of art!
But the reason that I'm sharing this is to hopefully make a connection with someone who could give me advice with how they handle a situation like mine. I would appreciate any advice anyone could give me to get me out of this foggy depression and on the right track.
And I want to appologize about my giveway. I'm making something by hand, and I wanted to post it yesterday but I've been having trouble completing it due to the pain. It's about 95% done and I hope to finish it tomorrow and post the details tomorrow evening here on my blog. It's really cute and hopefully worth the wait! So please bear with me.
Have a wonderful week!